How to Deal with Getting Dumped (2024)

Losing your job or romantic partner is, of course, painful. Here are some thoughts on how to prevent and cope with such a loss.

Losing Your Job

Preventing. Put yourself in your boss’s shoes. Would you be tempted to let you go? If that's more than minimally likely, why? Quality of work? Work ethic? Bad attitude? Office politics?

If you're not sure, review your previous performance evaluations and ask yourself the following questions:

• How often and for what do you get praised versus criticized?
• How often are you given good assignments?
• What’s the vibe you get from your boss, coworkers, and supervisees?
• Is this all getting better or worse?

If you're still not sure, do you perhaps want to talk with your boss? For example, you might ask, “As you know, I enjoy working for you and want to be sure I’m doing all I can to be a worthy employee. Is there anything more or different that you’d like me to do, for example, to make your life easier?”

Now, is there anything you want to do about your situation? This might include:

• Take steps to improve the quality of your work, work ethic, or attitude.
• Learn a new, key skill.
• Apply for other jobs in or outside your organization.
• Confidentially query your network for job leads.
• Make plans for self-employment.
• If you think you're overpaid relative to your peers or your productivity, offer to take a pay cut.
• Cut back spending.

Rebounding. If you've been terminated, could that be for the best, believing there’s a better or better-suited job out there for you? Or that you could use a little time to reflect on what the hell you really want to do with your life?

Some of my clients need to grieve, to process the loss. That’s especially likely if the termination is part of a pattern of setbacks. But other clients have found that grieving the loss actually impeded moving forward: the worries, the anger, and the self-recrimination became more branded in their brain, remaining top-of-mind blockages.

While everyone is different, you might try pushing yourself to move forward right away, If that fails, you can always revert to more grieving.

To get started, make a list of baby steps forward and then start with the easiest, most fun, or most preliminary step. For example, you might work on your LinkedIn profile or resume. That can remind you of all that you bring to the table while giving you something to show to your network and to employers.

Or would you rather start by reaching out to the person in your network you’d most like to talk with? Or to take a few days for pure pleasure with a promise to yourself that right after, you are going to find a better job: “I’ll show ‘em”? To keep you moving forward, would it be better to do it solo or to have a loving taskmaster, perhaps a friend or a coach?

Losing Your Romantic Partner

Preventing. First, appraise the relationship: Rate yourself and your partner on sexual compatibility, out-of-bed compatibility, the percent of the time you’re each glad you’re in the relationship, and the likelihood of your being happier on your own or in searching for a better relationship.

A word about the solo option: The norm is still to be coupled, but you don’t have to succumb to external pressure. At this point in your life, would the Wise One within you be solo for a while, search for deep love, or have a casual relationship or two?

If you decide you want to try to maintain or grow a current relationship, strategies you could try include:

• Pledge to listen better.
• State your needs.
• Be a more generous lover.
• At least slightly improve a bad habit, for example, reliability, cleanliness, substance use, whatever.

Share your goal with your partner and ask how s/he feels about it, and if there is anything s/he wants to do to nurture the relationship. Would the two of you do better if a trusted friend or a counselor facilitated the discussion?

Rebounding. What if you’ve been dumped? If you want to be in another relationship, as when losing a job, most of my clients have found that rather than sit on the sidelines grieving the loss, they’re better off quickly taking baby steps forward. Should you:

• Ask your friends and relatives to set you up?
• Create an honest dating app profile and reach out to people who strike you as likely even better than that fool who dumped you?
• Consistent with COVID restrictions, go to some live event at which you could picture your romantic partner, for example, a particular class or professional conference?

Also think about how whether you want to be the same or different in your next relationship. For example, might you want to:

• Be more sharing or more low-maintenance?
• Be more giving or less so?
• Have stronger or looser boundaries?
• Be more of a grown-up or childlike?

Write a few-word reminder of your plan and keep it prominently on your desk, bathroom mirror, even as your computer screen’s wallpaper.

The Takeaway

We may not be able to prevent or easily cope with getting dumped, but these ideas should help.

I read this aloud on YouTube.